Scared to share...

Movies from my childhood

One of my favorite movies growing up was Disney's "Lion King." It's a familiar story modeled after Shakespeare's "Hamlet." Simba, the young hero, is framed by Scar, his uncle, for the death of Mufasa, Simba's father, and Scar's brother. After Mufasa's death, Scar encourages Simba to run away, so he does. In so doing, Simba ran from his past.

After running and coming in contact with two other characters, Timon and Pumbaa, Simba runs into a "lion" from his past: Nala. Growing up, Simba and Nala were friends. More importantly, Nala knew that Simba was the rightful king. The song "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" is sung after Simba and Nala reunite. During this song, Simba says, "So many things to tell her. But how to make her see. The truth about my past? Impossible! She'd turn away from me." In the next stanza, Nala sings: "He's holding back, he's hiding. But what, I can't decide. Why won't he be the king I know he is, The king I see inside?".

My friends will run away from me

So, why do I mention "Lion King" and this specific interaction between Simba and Nala? I was flabbergasted and taken back the first time I read step 5. In this step, I was asked to share my moral inventory with at least 4 people so I could admit the exact nature of my wrongs. First, myself - that seemed simple enough. I wrote it, I should be able to read it, right? Second, Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ - this one seemed pretty straightforward. After all, Heavenly Father knew me and knew my past. I believed I was His son and He loved me. That seemed doable. Third, proper priesthood authority. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, this meant sitting down with my Bishop and walking him through my moral inventory. I knew this was coming, it was terrifying, but I understood why this was so important. Finally, at least one other person - WAIT, WHAT?!

I struggled with the idea of sharing the exact nature of my wrongs with at least one other person. What would they think of me?! I had spent so much of my time trying to build up a persona of who I wanted the world to see. If I shared my past with someone else, what would they think of me? In a very real sense, I was saying what Simba was saying. I didn't want my sponsor, family, and friends to turn away from me. I knew what they would do if they knew what I had done. They would turn their backs on me and not want to associate with me.

Seeing my heart

At some point, after a lot of prayer asking for courage, I finally sat down with my sponsor and shared my inventory. As I walked through my inventory with my sponsor, he intentionally listened to everything I said. Never once did I feel like my sponsor was trying to walk away from me. In a real sense, my sponsor walked right next to me the entire time. I wasn't judged and I didn't feel judged. 

I felt an incredible amount of love, kindness, and hope. I began to look forward to our meetings to review my inventory more. I could share more openly. I stopped seeing myself as a victim of addiction and I saw myself as a son of God who had made some mistakes in the past. When I completed my review with my sponsor, he asked a final question: "Do you feel better?" My answer was yes! I felt great. I felt the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt free.

I later learned my sponsor didn't see me the way I saw myself. When we began the process, I saw a recovering addict. He saw a son of God. I saw a son of God with limited potential. He saw a son of God with unlimited potential. I saw a son of God who felt they needed to earn Heavenly Father's love. He saw a son of God that was loved unconditionally by Heavenly Father. 

This experience taught me two great lessons. First, it reinforced the lesson from 1 Samuel 16:7. God doesn't look on the exterior. God looks at our hearts. He knows our potential and how to help us get there. When we work with people who care and honestly love us, God teaches those people to see our hearts and honest desires to become something better.

Conclusion

Step 5 requires courage, faith, patience, and humility to complete. I learned to give myself grace in this process. I learned to give myself grace as I spoke with my sponsor and opened up. I felt God's love for me. I realized by sharing my past, I wasn't driving others away - I really was inviting them closer.