The balancing act of making amends

The Balancing Act

    A huge part of addiction recovery is making amends. The habits, characteristics, and traits learned while participating in addiction are harmful to the individual and hard for everyone around them. Ripples in water after throwing a stone are an excellent way to visualize this phenomenon. Our actions have ripples. These ripples affect the lives of those around us. 

    Making amends is an act of faith and quite the balancing act. Caution and action must be balanced in this effort to make amends with those hurt by our actions. When caution and action are balanced, the addict has spent time on their knees praying with God and consulting with trusted advisors on how to reach out and make amends. When caution and action are not balanced, efforts become impulsive and careless or they become procrastinated. In my recovery journey, I have experienced both of these.

Being Impulsive and Careless

    I remember talking to my sponsor early in my recovery journey. We were working through the steps, but I kept seeing the faces of those that I had hurt with my addiction and behavior. I finally talked to my sponsor about this. I told him that I wanted to reach out and ask for forgiveness from these people. My wise sponsor explained that he was happy to see that I was feeling remorse about my actions. He then cautioned me about the timing of reaching out. He said that I should make notes of these people. There would come a time to reach out to them and ask for forgiveness, but the time wasn't now. He further explained there is danger in reaching out too early for me and the individual. If I were to reach out without a significant time in recovery, there is a good chance that I would relapse and potentially hurt the person I was trying to make amends with. 

    So did I follow this advice? I'm happy to report that I did follow this advice. I can see the wisdom my sponsor shared with me. Even though I was feeling remorseful, reaching out would have put me in a spiritually dangerous situation that I would not know how to navigate. Over time, I was able to practice the skills and develop the faith in Jesus Christ I needed to make my efforts meaningful to me and the individual I was trying to make amend with.

Procrastinating making amends

    As humans, there are times of procrastination. These moments can be from laziness or they are a trauma response. Either way, there is an effort to put off the things we should be doing. One such time happened when I was trying to make amends. There was an individual that I needed to make amends with; however, I knew that this individual and I had a past. It could be easy for either of us to relapse into our addiction again. So, naturally, I talked to my sponsor about this individual, and individuals like them. My sponsor told me there are some people who I may not be able to make amends in person because it would be too dangerous for either party. In those situations, letters, emails, or texts would be appropriate. He said it would be better to make amends in the spirit world than to meet in person and relapse. 

    I took these words to heart and then justified not talking to a few people. I told myself that reaching out to them would be too dangerous for either party. Soon, I started to get promptings from the Holy Ghost to reach out to some of these individuals. I would lie in bed at night and see their names. I felt the weight of the world building because I wasn't trying to make amends. I felt like I was withholding the peace that came from saying "I'm sorry" from these individuals. Finally, after several weeks and even months, I decided to act. 

    I pondered on the best ways to reach out to these individuals. I was able to identify the best way to reach out to them and started reaching out. I understood the importance of making sure the way I reached out was right for that individual. Some were texts, some were letters, and some were phone calls. When it wasn't the right time to reach out, I felt that it wasn't time but I still needed to prepare myself to reach out. 

    As I started to act and stop procrastinating, I could feel the peace of the Holy Ghost enter my heart. I felt the hope that I longed for and the comfort in knowing that my Savior, Jesus Christ, was pleased with my efforts. I learned that by procrastinating my efforts to make amends actually made making amends that much harder! 

Don't overcomplicate it!

    Making amends isn't overly complicated, but it takes a lot of work. There is one secret to making amends. It is found in the examples of the sons of Mosiah. After they repented of their sins, they went about "zealously striving to repair all the injuries they had done." (Mosiah 27:35) Thats the secret to making amends. It isn't about saying I'm sorry. It's about showing you are sorry by letting God change your character, help you grow, and make you better. As you do this, the Holy Ghost will teach you when and where to reach out to those you have harmed with your addictive behavior. 

    I know this to be true because I have seen it in my own life. I know that Jesus Christ lives and wants us to make amends. By doing this, Jesus Christ can heal our lives and the lives of those we harmed.