Addiction Recovery: A road less traveled

I like to consider myself a problem solver. This means when I hear a problem, my immediate response is to solve the problem. I don’t take the time to think, I just want to act. What I have come to learn is moving to solving a problem without thinking about it is a coping mechanism. If I just moved on to solving a problem, I don’t have to think about the emotions tied to the problem, I just look at the problem. So why is this a coping mechanism? There are two issues with this coping mechanism. First, it becomes an unhealthy mechanism to not address the issue. When I looked at the ‘problem’, I looked an event, not what caused the event. This means I’m not trying to try to change to move forward, I’m just trying to make myself feel better. Second, I’m not trying to change my character and do the hard work behind it. By not looking at the emotions behind the event, I can’t really change. I’m not addressing the causes of the issue, I’m addressing the story. When I sit with my feelings from...

Your eyes will always dictate where you are going. If you are looking forward, your body will have a forward lean and motion. If you are looking to the side, your body will begin to move in that direction and orient itself in that way as well. The same goes for looking behind you or in any other direction. Wherever you look, chances are you will move in that direction. This idea of looking in a direction dictates movement was something I had to learn in my addiction recovery journey. For so many years, I figured if I just focused on abstinence and sobriety I would rid my life of this addiction. Unfortunately, this was not the case. When I was focused on abstinence and sobriety, I found myself looking in the direction of pornography and judging my success by how far I was from it. In essence, I was looking toward my addiction but trying to walk to Christ. This act is very unstable and often leads to relapses - which I experienced a lot of! It wasn’t until much later that I realized th...

What an amazing day today! I had the chance to be on the “Forgive and Thrive” podcast today. We talked about the importance of discussing pornography and why we need to get the topic out there. I had such an amazing time on the podcast. Throughout the podcast, I brought up the mirror test. This test is something my mom started with me and I have shared with a few brothers in recovery. You look into the mirror and then state what you see. I know when I looked in the mirror, I saw an addict. I saw someone with a problem and that is what defined me. For long time, that is all I saw. Sure, there were some days where I saw less than that, but for the most part that is all I saw. It’s all I saw until an ARP mission shared a thought from Shakespeare’s comedy, “As you like it”. To best put it, I will share Elder Dale G Renlund’s thought, when he was serving in the Seventy: “The comedy  As You Like It,  written by the English playwright William Shakespeare, depicts a dramatic change ...

In a recent General Conference address, President Russell M Nelson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints shared the following experience: “During my surgical internship many years ago, I assisted a surgeon who was amputating a leg filled with highly infectious gangrene. The operation was difficult. Then, to add to the tension, one of the team performed a task poorly, and the surgeon erupted in anger. In the middle of his tantrum, he threw his scalpel loaded with germs. It landed in  my  forearm! Everyone in the operating room—except the out-of-control surgeon—was horrified by this dangerous breach of surgical practice. Gratefully, I did not become infected. But this experience left a lasting impression on me. In that very hour, I promised myself that  whatever  happened in  my  operating room, I would  never  lose control of my emotions. I also vowed that day never to throw anything in anger—whether it be scalpels or words...

I recently watched a show that was very triggering for me. The show was a contest where groups of individuals volunteered to survive in the harsh wilderness of Alaska. The contest ended when there was only one group left standing. Initially, I thought the show was very clever… until it wasn’t. I saw some pretty harsh things the groups did to each other in order to ‘win’. I saw sleeping bags stolen, destruction of team property, lying, and other events. I found myself asking, “What would I do in these situations?” I found my responses were cruel and aggressive. The idea of seriously hurting someone was a very real consideration. I wanted to see them hurt, bleed, and be in so much pain they would have to tap out. These feelings started my heart racing. I couldn’t focus. All I could think about was this contest and getting overly aggressive. Then something clicked - I was triggered! I was triggered in a way that I haven’t been triggered in a long time. This thought of being triggered gro...

I enjoy strength training and powerlifting. I find it so enjoyable to set a goal and achieve it. What I like even more is being able to push myself beyond where I thought I could go. A few years ago, I purchased some Olympic lifting shoes. These are specialized shoes that lift the heel up by some distance. The first set of shoes I bought had about a 0.25-inch heel. They felt good and I enjoyed using them. Although these shoes were fun to wear, I noticed something negative occurring. The day after my squat workout, my knees really hurt. I didn’t like how my knees felt. I tried to make some adjustments but my knees still hurt. I also noticed my hips were getting sore throughout the week. To me, this didn’t make sense. I could see there were world champion powerlifters using these shoes and finding a lot of success with them. What I decided to do was look into a different set of Olympic lifting shoes. I finally bought a shoe that had a 0.75-inch heel. Initially, the pain in my knee wen...

There is an acronym in the addiction recovery world known as BLAST. This acronym highlights five of the most common triggers for addicts. These triggers are Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed, and Tired. With my addiction, I have answered each one of these triggers, I have inappropriately used technology to address my trigger. As you can imagine, this ultimately led to more anxiety, depression, and relapse. I want to give a recent example of how I was triggered and chose to hide in technology. Tax season can be stressful for everyone. I don’t necessarily like finances or talking about them. They can stress me out. During one such financial talk between myself, my wife, and an accountant, I found myself scrolling social media instead of participating in the conversation. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was stressed and answered the trigger with technology. Later, my wife asked me some questions and stated she felt alone because I hid in social media. It was an eye-opening experience...