Hope

My addiction recovery story started with hopelessness. I was stuck. I didn't have enough to keep me going each day. I was in a vicious cycle where I would relapse, make a concerted effort to not relapse, get triggered, and then relapse again. This cycle can take a mental toll on anyone. When I would relapse and I made a goal of not relapsing for the next 30, 60, or 90 days, I had this thought in the back of my head: "If I can make it that long... I bet I won't." 

In 2020, I remember talking to an individual, who I consider my brother, and he gave me some advice he used in his recovery. He would, for all intents and purposes, bribe himself. If he was struggling that day, he would say that if he can get through the day without relapsing, I will get a treat and a soda. I gravitated to this idea because it was something I could see. I could see the end goal; however, I soon realized that my sobriety was not long-lasting. I found that I would still go get the reward even if I didn't make it throughout the day. 

At this point, I was ready to try anything and make a concerted effort to find hope. I was interested to know if God loved me and if I was one of His sons. It was a point of pain and despair for me. After ARP meetings were being held again in 2021, I heard and listened to the key principle behind step 2: "Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health." The listening part is key. I had heard that key principle hundreds of times but I didn't listen to what it was telling me. 

I found myself wanting that spiritual health. This is where I learned the difference between "hope" as I know it today and "hope" as I understood it then. At that time, when I was still struggling, I realize my definition of hope was synonymous to wish. I would say things like "I hope that God loves me", but what I was really saying is I wish I knew if God loved me. What I have learned about hope since then is it is rooted in trust. To hope for something is to trust in it. Hope doesn't mean blind trust though. Hope grows as evidence of what is being hoped for appears. In order to develop hope in recovery, I realized that I had to start to approach God and believe in Him. My attitude had to change. My desires had to change. If I wanted to hope, I had to learn to "replace trust in [myself] and [my] addictions with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ." (ARP Manual, Step 2) 

My efforts started small. I prayed morning and night in the name of Jesus Christ. My prayers were simple because I was learning to talk to God again. Soon though, I felt power and comfort while I prayed to God. I felt peace, and more importantly, I felt love. I asked questions like "Am I one of your sons?", "Do you love me?", and "Am I important to you?". I can't tell you when the answers came, but over time, I started to feel, in my heart and mind (D&C 8:2), the answers to my questions were yes. I learned I was a loved son of God who had value in His eyes. My heart began to melt and I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time: hope. 

My motivation and desire for recovery changed from making it 30, 60, or 90 days to wanting to live my life according to God's standards. It was a motivation that burned in my heart. I have felt that motivation grow. As I acted on that motivation and desire, I learned how much hope there really is in this life. I have found the hope that I wanted. In fact, I gain a little hope each and every day.

My story is not unique. In fact, I know that anyone who wants hope can find it. It starts with approaching God, being willing to believe in Him, and learning of Him. As that happens, the Holy Ghost will testify of the truth of God's love for all His children, the importance of Jesus Christ and his Atonement, and that all are beloved children of God. That is where hope begins and it only grows from there!