The first step!

The first time I read through step one of the Addiction Recovery Program (sponsored by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) I was in shock and pretty frightened. The key principle of that step reads "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.". It is a hard pill to swallow and one that wasn't easy to swallow the first several times I read through step one with the group. 

The idea of being "powerless to overcome your addictions" wasn't something I wanted to hear. I honestly believed I had the power to change. What I really had was the disproportionate belief I was equal to the task. In hindsight, and after many years of work, I can really say I truly was powerless. I didn't have a 'choice' at the present moment. I made the choice to remain powerless when I took my first few steps into a world I didn't understand.

The second half of the key principle hurt a lot too. I had a church leader once tell me about discipline. He said he was so amazed I was disciplined in a lot of arenas of my life. Yet, in this specific arena, I had no discipline at all. Yes, my life had become unmanageable. It was tail spinning. I couldn't manage myself. All I could do was hope for a good day with no triggers. If that didn't work, I would have to hope the triggers weren't strong enough to get me to act out. 

I listened to the key principle of step one for five or so years before hitting rock bottom. I was attending meetings but really wasn't working on anything. I enjoyed the atmosphere of the meetings. The peace and tranquility found in the discussions were soothing. Unfortunately, at some point, I made the decision that my problem was a lot smaller than I thought it was. I had tricked myself into believing I had a bit more power and management skills than I really did. Looking back, the trick was really an effort to not see how big of a problem it truly was. It was my effort to hide the truth, make myself feel some sense of security, and work on what I wanted to work on.

'So, what changed?' might be the question at this point. What changed was I made the decision to take the first step. Rock bottom is only defined by the individual. A wise man in a group meeting once said the individual gets to decide when they hit rock bottom. I finally decided to take the first step, but the first toward where?

I believe the first step is much more than the first step toward recovery. I believe the first step is the first step toward Jesus Christ. Through my experiences, I learned it isn't by my own efforts I 'found' recovery. I chose to take the first step toward Jesus and Jesus empowers and strengthens me where I am weak. Yes, it required a lot of personal effort on my end. I had to make, and I continue to make, the daily decision to step toward Christ on a daily basis. It's a decision I am glad that I made. 

So I encourage you to take the first step toward our Savior, Jesus Christ. It's a first step you will never regret.